Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy President's Day- Everything You REALLY Need To Know About All 44 Presidents



I wanted to take a few minutes to wish everyone a happy President's Day. You know, this day should mean much more to people than just an opportunity for retailers to sell you more junk that you really don't need.

This should be a time to honor and think about our Presidents, all 44 of them. When I was a little kid my Grandpa gave me a collection of little plastic statues of all of the presidents, with a short book that talked about them, gave the years of their presidencies, party affiliation, famous quotes, and accomplishments.

To this day, I can name the presidents in order, what party they belonged to, and most of the years of their terms of office. No....I'm serious. I really can.

So in honor of President's Day, I'm going to borrow an idea from Father Guido Sarducci's "One Minute University", and blend it with the concept of TWITTER.

I'm going to educate you, the reader, about everything you really need to know about all 44 Presidents of the United States....in 140 characters or less, for the most part.

This is all stream of consciousness, no notes, books, or second or third tabs....its whatever pops in.

Ready or not....let's begin!



1.George Washington- The "Father of His Country". I never knew they had Viagra in those days. Couldn't tell a lie, yet ruthlessly chopped down poor unsuspecting cherry trees

2.John Adams- rolly-polly first Prez to live in the White House. He deeply loved wife Abigail. He wasn't alone.....just about everybody liked Abigail more than John.

3.Thomas Jefferson- reclusive brainiac who made greatest real estate deal in US history- yeah, that's right, Mr. Trump....the Louisiana Purchase. OK?

4.James Madison- he and wife Dolly ran first unfranchised ice cream parlor from the West Wing. He could afford it- Madison was our smallest President

5.James Monroe- "If you Europeans even TOUCH America, my Uncle Rocco will be paying you a visit".

6.John Quincey Adams- The "Apple Don't Fall Far From The Tree" son of John Adams. One and done presidency.

7.Andrew Jackson- A great general with a bad attitude. Say anything about his wife and you'd be a dead man.

8.Martin Van Buren- A bald guy with followed Jackson. That's all I remember.

9.William Henry Harrison- Died one month into his presidency, giving him no time to screw things up.

10.John Tyler- 1st vice president to succeed to the presidency. Was called "His Accidency"......no, really. I'm not kidding about that one.

11.James Knox Polk- couldn't find good jalapeno peppers in Washington, so he decided to invade Mexico.

12.Zachary Taylor- Hero of Mexican-American War who never voted in his life and had no political experience. He too died in office before he could inflict damage.

13 and 14. Millard Fillmore and Franklin Pierce- nothing to say about them. Either I was playing hooky or the dog ate that assignment. So long ago I can't remember.

15.James Buchanan- Only bachelor president. He allegedly had a male roommate for many years while serving in Congress....not that there's anything WRONG with that.

16.Abraham Lincoln- "Honest Abe", "The Great Emancipator". Saved the Union during the Civil War only so it could be divided by "Red State- Blue State" 140 plus years later. He made growing up in log cabins fashionable for several generations.

17.Andrew Johnson- A tailor's apprentice who became President. The way things went for him he should have stuck to men's wear.

18.Ulysses S. Grant- His real name was "Hiram". Changed his name after building a Trojan Horse in his basement as a kid. Good general, miserable president.

19.Rutherford B. Hayes won disputed election from popular vote winner Samuel Tilden, and there were no hanging chads in sight.

20.James a Garfield- was murdered by disgruntled office seeker. James A was not related to actors John Garfield, Alan Garfield, or Garfield the Cat.

21.Chester A. Arthur- had really huge sideburns.

22.Grover Cleveland- Famous SESAME STREET character named after him. Not related to Moses Cleaveland, who founded the city of Cleveland, Ohio....are you confused yet?

23.Benjamin Harrison- William Henry Harrison's grandson. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason we remember him.

24.Grover Cleveland- What? Him again?

25.William McKinley- wanted quality cigars so he invaded Cuba.

26.Theodore Roosevelt- "Teddy". "TR". He spoke softly and carried a big stick, and used it to beat the crap out of Philippine insurgents. And without him, Van Halen probably would have never written a song called PANAMA.

27.William Howard Taft- Three hundred pound "Big Bill" was our most "hefty" president. Allegedly was stuck in the White House bathtub. Was "one biscuit short of being a building" 80 years before William "Refrigerator" Perry.

28. Woodrow Wilson-President during World War I, he was a Virginia born president of Princeton, and the former governor of New Jersey. Amazing that anybody named "Woodrow" could win in Jersey.....and a Princeton guy at that.

29.Warren G. Harding- a better card player than President who had the good sense to die in office before the Teapot Dome Scandal broke.

30.Calvin Coolidge- "Silent Cal". He was the favorite president of the late columnist Robert Novak. That's all you need to know.

31.Herbert Hoover- By all accounts a good man who helped feed Europe after WWI, but was ineffective in guiding America out of The Great Depression. Best known for "Hooverville".

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt- Led America out of the Depression and WWII.Proved you didn't need two legs to be a great president; but few knew he was confined to a wheelchair. Seems incomprehensible that the nation didn't know about his condition.

33. Harry Truman- "Give 'Em Hell, Harry!" And he did. Possibly the most brutally honest man ever to sit in the White House.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower- "I like Ike". The joke was "The Eisenhower toy....you wind it up and it does nothing for eight years". But school desegregation began in his presidency, the Interstate Highway System was built, and we began our exploration of space.

35. John F. Kennedy- What a time it was....CAMELOT. America needed a prince and princess, and we got Jack and Jackie, for about a mere 1,000 days.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson- He could have been the best president ever....but there was this little problem called Vietnam.

37. Richard M. Nixon- Singer Connie Francis sang a campaign song, "Nixon's The One". It took on a different connotation during the Watergate Scandal.

38. Gerald R. Ford- The rumor is Chevy Chase built a shrine to President Ford in his basement.

39. Jimmy Carter- "Get yer peanuts here!".... "No gas today". A good man, and a better "Ex-President" than President.

40. Ronald Reagan- The rumor is every Republican candidate for the presidency since 1988 has a shrine to President Reagan in their estate's guest house. If the GOP could ordain sainthood Ronald Reagan would be their patron.

41.George H.W. Bush- "Read my lips".....we did. And it was one and done.

42.Bill Clinton- Could have been one of the best ever, except for a little problem named Monica Lewinsky.

43. George W. Bush- Hey people, I'm not going to go there....it would be tooooooo easy. George, just stay down there in Texas, and don't touch anything. OK?

44. Barack Obama- Oh I forgot....he can't be President since he was born in Kenya. At least that's what some of the guys say on the Internet- so it HAS TO BE TRUE!!!!

2 comments:

Anna said...

Hey, Happy Presidents day! Here's an interesting film made out of only archive material of John F Kennedy,Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King. Check it out... We're trying to get followers... maybe you would be interested? www.kingkennedy.com

TomCat said...

Harrison may have been the best president in US History. The worst, of course, is Crawford Caligula.

Related Posts with Thumbnails